This is How We Fall Apart
by DxCxS2
Summary: Part One: State of Dreaming, Part Two: Power and Control, Part Three: Starring Role, Part Four: Lies. Courtney and Duncan fall apart after he returns to TDWT, as inspired by Marina and the Diamonds' Electra Heart


So this story was inspired by Marina and the Diamonds' new album Electra Heart. If you are in the mood for sobbing your heart out, listen to it and think of Duncan and Courtney. And then you'll just die.

Anyways, I don't own the Song lyrics, but I felt the inspiration for each part was necessary.

I hope you enjoy, please review! OH and I hope for DxC in season 5.

**State of Dreaming**

_I live my life inside a dream  
Only waking when I sleep  
I would sell my sorry soul, if I could have it all_

I can't help but think, while I'm sitting here unaware of when or where we are, as we fly, if he's thinking of me. I look out the window searching for the stars, and I think back to what he said to Gwen, back on Total Drama Action.

_Do you think Courtney is looking up at the stars right now?_

And then, I can't help but think, is Duncan looking up at the stars right now? Is Duncan thinking about if I'm looking at the stars? Is Duncan thinking about me?

I think about how he must be missing me, and how I'm missing him. In my head, in this sick way, I feel like it's easiest to love him when he's not here. It's the time I can really feel like I'm in love with him without being ashamed.

Not that love is something to be ashamed of, I just don't want to be weak, for him to see me weak. There are moments though, like this where I fall back on moments when we were together, moments of vulnerability that are immortalized as a waking dream.

A soft kiss, a playful whisper, interlocked fingers, times where we ran through the woods, where the darkness hid our weakness, where words were shared in secrecy.

I think about a little skull buried at the bottom of my pocket. It's times like these, when everyone is asleep, when I can pull it out and glance over it. It's warm in my hands, and I can feel where the knife was used to round the edges or engrave _dxc _ on it. It's nights like these, alone, in a state of dreaming.

_All I really want is to be wonderful  
People in this town they, they can be so cruel  
I live my life inside a dream,_

**Power and Control**

_But love will always be a game,  
We give and take a little more,  
Eternal game of tug and war._

When he's back, I'm scared that he's further from me. Fears I never want to reveal, the reason I need to have the upper hand is so I won't lose him, because I love him. But I'm also afraid. People say that love makes us do crazy things, but I really think fear makes us do crazy things.

I can't show him I'm in love with him, because I'd lose power over him, and control over the relationship. It's like we enter a tug of war every time we meet, but not it's like he's not even pulling.

In the past I could feel his grip, his yank back, for me. Our lips crashing together in passionate anger, and even when distant our eyes lingering on one another, each taunting the other to be the one who needs the other more. Standing at the edge of the cliff, but never jumping, always daring the other to jump first.

But I've always felt him tugging, seen his eyes lingering, seen his knees bent just like me, ready to jump if I do.

But it's not that way anymore. It's like I'm alone, pulling on a rope by myself. Taunting no one at the cliff. It's like my eyes linger on those that won't linger back. It's I can no longer feel his pull. Like I'm at war with no one.

"Duncan, I know you missed me" I tease, but he says nothing. I want to say more, I want to ask, _did you miss me _ or _do you love me_. Instead he shrugs, and asks about the challenges. I want him to say _Miss you Princess? Please. _ I want him to play, to pull. I want him to say _Princess, I think you missed me._ and I want it to end in _I'm glad I'm back here, with you, Court._

But I'm playing alone, I'm trying to exert power over something that isn't there anymore. Trying to control something that only exists in myself.

_We give and take a little more,  
'Cause all my life I've been controlled,  
You can't have peace without a war,_

**Starring Role**

_And it makes me feel depressed  
Cause the only time you open up is when we get undressed  
You don't love me, big fucking deal  
I'll never tell, you how I feel_

I kiss him, and it's like only when I kiss him he kisses me. He never kisses me. It's reciprocation, not initiation. And I kiss him because it's the only time he looks at me anymore, and he isn't even really looking at me. His eyes are shut, and I feel like lately, that's as close as I can get. It's pathetic.

Because I can see his eyes elsewhere. I can see them linger elsewhere.

His touch his distant, sloppy. He doesn't grab me anymore and pull me into him. His eyes don't clash with mine. He doesn't touch me just to touch me. His hands don't run through the ends of my hair, he doesn't through his arm around me, he doesn't trace the outline of my fingers.

It's dutiful now. I pretend I don't see, don't feel it, but I do. It's everything I never wanted for us.

And his eyes do linger, they do clash with, they do smile, at someone who isn't me. It's like I've lost my place with him, I lost where I once was. I know I don't mean the same to him. And it's pathetic. It's something I won't have.

_It almost feels like a joke to play out the part  
When you are not the starring role in someone else's heart  
You know I'd rather walk alone, than play a supporting role  
If I can't get the starring role._

**Lies**

_You're too proud to say that you've made a mistake  
You're a coward to the end  
I don't wanna admit, but we're not gonna fit  
No, I'm not the type that you like_

And all the truth in my heart, all the lies that held us together, they cause us to fall apart. Because now I can't pretend they aren't there. I can't pretend the truth is paranoia. I can't pretend anymore.

He kissed Gwen. And he kept it a secret from me. It really has been her he wanted all along. And his apologies, the things he said, he loves me like a friend, it's pointless, and it's a lie too. Because it transforms into _I can't stand you, you're crazy_ and then into _It's not your fault _and what he says morphs into another thing, things that he says to make me quiet, and then to hurt me, and then to appease me, and then to hurt me all over again.

He won't say it. He doesn't love me anymore.

This isn't the same war. Because Duncan has always loved me.

In every screaming match, every fight, every break up, every court date he has loved me. With every insult, ever cruel verbal jab, every battle, every argument, in everything.

When he mocked me, when he fought me, when he shouted at me, when he voted me off, I was sure that he always loved me.

Now he doesn't. And like a coward he shouts lies at me, and I want to cry, but I'll seem weak. I do in anyway, but I make sure to show him I'm not weak. I may be hurt, but I'm not weak.

And this is where we end, because he's lying, and I'm lying.

I say I don't need him. I don't love him. I'm already over him. I'll destroy him. I'm glad we're over.

But like him, I'm lying. Like him I'm a coward.

_Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know oh  
I can't let you go, can't let you go oh  
I just want it to be perfect  
To believe it's all been worth the fight_


End file.
